How to Have a Better Relationship: Love Style

06/27/2021, 20:29:00 – There are many ways how to look at relationships and all of them are useful. Yet, there is no guarantee that this or that will work better or worse because besides all the science there is the magic in uniqueness of each of us and our will power, creativity, and humbleness which helps to make it work!


There are many ways how to look at relationships and all of them are useful. Yet, there is no guarantee that this or that will work better or worse because besides all the science there is the magic in uniqueness of each of us and our will power, creativity, and humbleness which helps to make it work!

This is an interesting article by NYT journalist Tara Parker-Pope. It brings two interesting scales to look into and have some fun!

What’s Your Love Style?

When you say “I love you,” what do you mean? 

Terry Hatkoff, a California State University sociologist, has created a love scale that identifies six distinct types of love found in our closest relationships. 

  • Romantic: Based on passion and sexual attraction 
  • Best Friends: Fondness and deep affection 
  • Logical: Practical feelings based on shared values, financial goals, religion etc.  
  • Playful: Feelings evoked by flirtation or feeling challenged
  • Possessive: Jealousy and obsession 
  • Unselfish: Nurturing, kindness, and sacrifice

Researchers have found that the love we feel in our most committed relationships is typically a combination of two or three different forms of love. But often, two people in the same relationship can have very different versions of how they define love. Dr. Hatkoff gives the example of a man and woman having dinner. The waiter flirts with the woman, but the husband doesn’t seem to notice, and talks about changing the oil in her car. The wife is upset her husband isn’t jealous. The husband feels his extra work isn’t appreciated.

What does this have to do with love? The man and woman each define love differently. For him, love is practical, and is best shown by supportive gestures like car maintenance. For her, love is possessive, and a jealous response by her husband makes her feel valued. 

Understanding what makes your partner feel loved can help you navigate conflict and put romance back into your relationship. You and your partner can take the Love Style quiz from Dr. Hatkoff and find out how each of you defines love. If you learn your partner tends toward jealousy, make sure you notice when someone is flirting with him or her. If your partner is practical in love, notice the many small ways he or she shows love by taking care of everyday needs.

Reignite Romance

Romantic love has been called a “natural addiction” because it activates the brain’s reward center -- notably the dopamine pathways associated with drug addiction, alcohol and gambling. But those same pathways are also associated with novelty, energy, focus, learning, motivation, ecstasy and craving. No wonder we feel so energized and motivated when we fall in love!

But we all know that romantic, passionate love fades a bit over time, and (we hope) matures into a more contented form of committed love. Even so, many couples long to rekindle the sparks of early courtship. But is it possible?

The relationship researcher Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, has found a way. The secret? Do something new and different -- and make sure you do it together. New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love. Whether you take a pottery class or go on a white-water rafting trip, activating your dopamine systems while you are together can help bring back the excitement you felt on your first date. In studies of couples, Dr. Aron has found that partners who regularly share new experiences report greater boosts in marital happiness than those who simply share pleasant but familiar experiences.

Diagnose Your Passion Level

The psychology professor Elaine Hatfield has suggested that the love we feel early in a relationship is different than what we feel later. Early on, love is “passionate,” meaning we have feelings of intense longing for our mate. Longer-term relationships develop “companionate love,” which can be described as a deep affection, and strong feelings of commitment and intimacy. 

Where does your relationship land on the spectrum of love? The Passionate Love Scale, developed by Dr. Hatfield, of the University of Hawaii, and Susan Sprecher, a psychology and sociology professor at Illinois State University, can help you gauge the passion level of your relationship. Once you see where you stand, you can start working on injecting more passion into your partnership. Note that while the scale is widely used by relationship researchers who study love, the quiz is by no means the final word on the health of your relationship. Take it for fun and let the questions inspire you to talk to your partner about passion. After all, you never know where the conversation might lead.

Latest blog entries

  • About Sex Realistically...
    06/27/2021, 20:38:00 – All of us have some expectations and some numbers in our head. It is helpful to look at sexual intimacy, frequency, what women and men want realistically...
    Read more
  • How to Have a Better Relationship: Love Style
    06/27/2021, 20:29:00 – There are many ways how to look at relationships and all of them are useful. Yet, there is no guarantee that this or that will work better or worse because besides all the science there is the magic in uniqueness of each of us and our will power, creativity, and humbleness which helps to make it work!
    Read more
  • Gender Cool Project
    06/16/2021, 22:49:00 – 3 books about transgender, inclusivity, non-binary
    Read more
  • Books I recommend
    05/16/2021, 23:09:00 –   Gloria Vanderbilt and Anderson Cooper: The Rainbow Comes and Goes (2016). A stunning collection of private correspondence between son and mother.  Augusten Burroughs: Lust & Wonder: A…
    Read more
  • List of Trans and Gender Related Movies, Shows, and Books
    05/16/2021, 22:18:00 – Gender Talk Radio http://www.gendertalk.com   Trans and gender-related movies/shows Family movies (introduction of genders differently) Blended Daddy Daycare GBF Jack and Jill Just Go With It The…
    Read more